Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
I know it's you.
Crap.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes...
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!
Q:How did Britney Spears cross the road?
A:With a magic marker
Q: why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella? (Submitted by Becki)
A: fo drizzle
Secrets of a Successful Date
Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.
2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy - ''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''
When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''
On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.
When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.
On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.
Q: What starts with ''F'' and ends with ''UCK?''
A: Firetruck!
Q: What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN?" (Submitted by: Becki)
A: POPCORN!!!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Federal Express
Federal express who?
I don't know. I just deliver packages.
Roses are red
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I
You know you''re having a bad day when your ...
You know you're having a bad day when your twin sister forgets your birthday!
Changes at work
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''A" will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with '''B'' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Embarrassing moments: Elevator
I had the most embarrasing moments anyone could have had but one of still makes laugh like hell. it was during my stay at the hotel. one day i was going down in the elevator when another person whom i havent met until then started talking to me.He asked 'How are you?" and I answered "Fine" surprised at it. He then asked me "What else are you up to" and i replied "nothing". Finally he turned to me and said "Do You Mind I Am On The Phone"!!.It was then that i realized he was talking on his Mobile. - Anonymous
**Kevin's response: i'd just press all the buttons and get off at the next floor : P**
Random facts
People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier errors worldwide.
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (how sad is that)
Embarassing Moments: Bus
I was standing up on the school bus because there were no seats, when the busdriver suddenly put the brakes on. I flew through the air down to the front of the bus and landed on my face. I stood up,slipped over on the wet surface and fell straight back down again. Then, I grabbed something to pull myself up with, and let go straight away because it was some girl's breast. I was so embarrassed that I got off the bus at the next stop and walked the rest of the way to school and got detention for being 50 minutes late! - Anonymous
Embarassing moments: Movies
When i was 12 my friends and I snuck into a rated R movie and as i was walking up the steps some one tripped me i went tumbling down the steps, but it doesn't end there. i landed on some one's lap!!! i landed in their popcorn and coke and the worst thing was that it was my school principal, not a good thing, i get in enough trouble at school and to top it landed in his food at a rated R movie. so the story still doesn't end there as i was walking out to clean myself off to the bathroom i ran into one of the cutest guys in school...dripping in coke and sticky buttery popcorn i ran into the bathroom stumbling the entire way. it was so embarrasing and the worst thing was i got in trouble for sneaking in the movie and for well you know ruining my clothes. - Rachael
More Famous Quotes:
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Not so famous quotes
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
HOT DOGS
Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat
they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As
lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then
come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat
dogs in America?"
"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must
do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The
two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks
inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh,
which part of the dog did you get?"
THE SUIT SALE
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Vincent Van Gogh
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
The Best Diet in the World
I found a diet you might want to try. It is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds constantly! Enjoy!!
BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz skimmed milk
LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
MID AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 milky way candy bars
LATE EVENING SNACK
Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer
RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as brandy, hot chocolate and Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories--the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies and popsicles.
Barbie
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have,
'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Naming invention
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."
"A fottle?
That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
I'm playing with my toys
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you fools who want to get off, get off now, cause this the last stop! And all you fools, who are returning and want to get on, get your tails on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, " We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language.
Two hours later the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again.
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding we ask you to stow your hand luggage in the racks over your head, or under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on this train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen!"
Instructions For The Stupid
On instructions for a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron. Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
On curling iron instructions: Do not put into eyes.
Please Engage Brain Before Speaking
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the World, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey, pop singer
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe Contest.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, Ex-police Chief and Mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of Principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
Actual Newspaper Headlines:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Air Head Fired
Deer Kill 17,000
Bear Attack (Submitted by: Becki)
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
California Crazy Law
* Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
* Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
* Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
* Bathhouses are against the law.
* In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
* No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
* Women may not drive in a house coat.
* It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Arcadia
# Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
# You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park
# Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere
# City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe
# You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame
# It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel
# Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
# Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico
# Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey
# It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood
# It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Lafayette
# You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
Lodi
# It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
Lompoc
# It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
Long Beach
# It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
# Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
Los Angeles
# Toads may not be licked.
# You may not hunt moths under a street light.
# It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
# You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
# Zoot suits are prohibited.
# It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
# It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
Ontario
# Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Pacific Grove
# Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
Palm Springs
# It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
Pasadena
# It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
Prunedale
# Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
Redlands
# Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
Riverside
# One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
San Diego
# The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
# It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
San Francisco
# Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
# Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
# It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
# It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
San Jose
# It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
Santa Monica
# You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
Temecula
# Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
My Random Quotes
Me: Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Becki: r u trying to hint at something?...who'd u kill this time Kevin?
(you have no idea how many people have said the latter to me)
Questions we have
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Drunk Bears
LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:
People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the Burlington Northern railroad tracks, where a train carrying hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented, and the aroma is attracting the bears. "The bears are actually intoxicated up there," said wildlife biologist Loren Hicks. And a grizzly with a hangover can be cross as a bear.
Fifty fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Questions that have Confused humankind!!
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?
Totally Useless Info
1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
51. Polar bears are left-handed. [!!!! w00t w00t]
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. [whoa...]
Stupid People, Stupid Questions: National Parks
Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)
Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
New Inventions by blondes
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
Mafia Valetine Cards:
My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
Compiled by Kevin Mittman: 2005-07-13
13 Things Movies Have Taught Us:
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10) The entire British population lives in London.
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
Hah Tu Spek Suthun
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Ways to call people stupid
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
©Kevin Mittman 2005 Note: I did not write these jokes, I simply compiled them from the jokes I've been sending to my ex gf (and some she has sent me). Also read over "Rated M Jokes". As the original poster I ask that this remain somewhere in the text. I encourage you to pick your favorite jokes and send them to your friends. BTW there are 42 joke sets in case you are wondering :-P
Who’s there?
I know it's you.
Crap.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes...
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!
Q:How did Britney Spears cross the road?
A:With a magic marker
Q: why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella? (Submitted by Becki)
A: fo drizzle
Secrets of a Successful Date
Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.
2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy - ''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''
When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''
On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.
When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.
On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.
Q: What starts with ''F'' and ends with ''UCK?''
A: Firetruck!
Q: What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN?" (Submitted by: Becki)
A: POPCORN!!!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Federal Express
Federal express who?
I don't know. I just deliver packages.
Roses are red
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I
You know you''re having a bad day when your ...
You know you're having a bad day when your twin sister forgets your birthday!
Changes at work
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''A" will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with '''B'' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Embarrassing moments: Elevator
I had the most embarrasing moments anyone could have had but one of still makes laugh like hell. it was during my stay at the hotel. one day i was going down in the elevator when another person whom i havent met until then started talking to me.He asked 'How are you?" and I answered "Fine" surprised at it. He then asked me "What else are you up to" and i replied "nothing". Finally he turned to me and said "Do You Mind I Am On The Phone"!!.It was then that i realized he was talking on his Mobile. - Anonymous
**Kevin's response: i'd just press all the buttons and get off at the next floor : P**
Random facts
People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier errors worldwide.
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (how sad is that)
Embarassing Moments: Bus
I was standing up on the school bus because there were no seats, when the busdriver suddenly put the brakes on. I flew through the air down to the front of the bus and landed on my face. I stood up,slipped over on the wet surface and fell straight back down again. Then, I grabbed something to pull myself up with, and let go straight away because it was some girl's breast. I was so embarrassed that I got off the bus at the next stop and walked the rest of the way to school and got detention for being 50 minutes late! - Anonymous
Embarassing moments: Movies
When i was 12 my friends and I snuck into a rated R movie and as i was walking up the steps some one tripped me i went tumbling down the steps, but it doesn't end there. i landed on some one's lap!!! i landed in their popcorn and coke and the worst thing was that it was my school principal, not a good thing, i get in enough trouble at school and to top it landed in his food at a rated R movie. so the story still doesn't end there as i was walking out to clean myself off to the bathroom i ran into one of the cutest guys in school...dripping in coke and sticky buttery popcorn i ran into the bathroom stumbling the entire way. it was so embarrasing and the worst thing was i got in trouble for sneaking in the movie and for well you know ruining my clothes. - Rachael
More Famous Quotes:
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Not so famous quotes
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
HOT DOGS
Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat
they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As
lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then
come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat
dogs in America?"
"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must
do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The
two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks
inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh,
which part of the dog did you get?"
THE SUIT SALE
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Vincent Van Gogh
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
The Best Diet in the World
I found a diet you might want to try. It is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds constantly! Enjoy!!
BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz skimmed milk
LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
MID AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 milky way candy bars
LATE EVENING SNACK
Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer
RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as brandy, hot chocolate and Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories--the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies and popsicles.
Barbie
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have,
'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Naming invention
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."
"A fottle?
That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
I'm playing with my toys
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you fools who want to get off, get off now, cause this the last stop! And all you fools, who are returning and want to get on, get your tails on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, " We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language.
Two hours later the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again.
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding we ask you to stow your hand luggage in the racks over your head, or under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on this train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen!"
Instructions For The Stupid
On instructions for a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron. Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
On curling iron instructions: Do not put into eyes.
Please Engage Brain Before Speaking
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the World, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey, pop singer
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe Contest.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, Ex-police Chief and Mayor of Philadelphia
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of Principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
Actual Newspaper Headlines:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Air Head Fired
Deer Kill 17,000
Bear Attack (Submitted by: Becki)
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
California Crazy Law
* Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
* Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
* Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
* Bathhouses are against the law.
* In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
* No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
* Women may not drive in a house coat.
* It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Arcadia
# Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
# You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park
# Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere
# City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe
# You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame
# It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel
# Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
# Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico
# Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey
# It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood
# It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Lafayette
# You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
Lodi
# It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
Lompoc
# It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
Long Beach
# It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
# Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
Los Angeles
# Toads may not be licked.
# You may not hunt moths under a street light.
# It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
# You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
# Zoot suits are prohibited.
# It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
# It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
Ontario
# Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Pacific Grove
# Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
Palm Springs
# It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
Pasadena
# It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
Prunedale
# Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
Redlands
# Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
Riverside
# One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
San Diego
# The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
# It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
San Francisco
# Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
# Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
# It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
# It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
San Jose
# It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
Santa Monica
# You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
Temecula
# Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
My Random Quotes
Me: Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Becki: r u trying to hint at something?...who'd u kill this time Kevin?
(you have no idea how many people have said the latter to me)
Questions we have
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Drunk Bears
LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:
People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the Burlington Northern railroad tracks, where a train carrying hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented, and the aroma is attracting the bears. "The bears are actually intoxicated up there," said wildlife biologist Loren Hicks. And a grizzly with a hangover can be cross as a bear.
Fifty fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Questions that have Confused humankind!!
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?
Totally Useless Info
1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
51. Polar bears are left-handed. [!!!! w00t w00t]
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. [whoa...]
Stupid People, Stupid Questions: National Parks
Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)
Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
New Inventions by blondes
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
Mafia Valetine Cards:
My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
Compiled by Kevin Mittman: 2005-07-13
13 Things Movies Have Taught Us:
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10) The entire British population lives in London.
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
Hah Tu Spek Suthun
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Ways to call people stupid
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
©Kevin Mittman 2005 Note: I did not write these jokes, I simply compiled them from the jokes I've been sending to my ex gf (and some she has sent me). Also read over "Rated M Jokes". As the original poster I ask that this remain somewhere in the text. I encourage you to pick your favorite jokes and send them to your friends. BTW there are 42 joke sets in case you are wondering :-P