Walmart Applications
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Why Use Sepll cehck?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit
pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand up?
7. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
6. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS...
Police in Oakland, CA spent tow hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
thime IN THE POLICE LINE, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up".
5. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for THREE
HOURS until police showed up and grabbed him.
4. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
3. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "NO!" the man shouted, "This is her husband
2. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America without a weapon. King used his thumb
and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep
his hand IN HIS POCKET.
1. THE GRAND FINALE....
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating were having
a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour
of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking
someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everytihg in perfect working condition. The engine
ran fine, the outdrive went up and down and the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to
check underneath...he came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard. NOW REMEMBER............THIS IS TRUE.......... Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Modern ProverbsA first grade teacher collected well-known
proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a
proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
There Insight May SURPRISE You !!
Better to be safe than.......... Punch A 5th grader.
Strike while the.......... Bug is close.
It's always darkest before.......... Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of.......... Termites.
Don't bite the hand that.......... Looks dirty.
No news is.......... Impossible
A miss is as good as a.......... Mr.
You cant teach a old dog new.......... Math.
If you lie down with dog's you'll.......... Stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.......... Me.
An idle mind is.......... The best way to relax.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......... You
have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.......... Spanked or grounded.
When the blind lead the blind....... Get out of the way.
Customer Support
This has got to be one of the funniest stories I've heard in along
time and, I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is
a true story, from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed,
from a recording, monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause."
The following is an actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).
"Ridge Hall Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappear."
"Hmmm. So what does you screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does you monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know?"
"Well. Then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so"
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer"
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from
the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't "
"No, why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.....a power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"
"Well, yes I keep them in the closet"
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system, and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f*%$*#@ stupid to own a computer"
Washington DC Computers
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP
West Virginia EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of
the STATE of West Virginia.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
the commands. The West Virginia EDITION may be recognized by the
unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, with a background
picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN West Virginia EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... ..stuff ah done did
Also note that the West Virginia EDITION does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to
WINDERS XP:
Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a
copy of the West Virginia EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Discreation in the Doctor's Office
The Doctor's Office
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.
I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy
handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are
you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my private part," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
How to Annoy Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you
want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my car
won't start..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking
about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is
Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: (Wait for a second) With a
real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments
of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is
most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends...would YOU be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get blood out? Can
you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?"
9. Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them
that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete
stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they
often can't sell to their fellow employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer,
set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then
hang-up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if
they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them back.
When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME
number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at
home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know
how I feel!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your
leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner
conversation.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if
they could bring you some beer.
16. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak
up... louder...louder...louder...
19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write DOWN
EVERY WORD.
Are You Having a Really Bad Day?
Are you really having a bad day???
The next time you're having a bad day imagine this:
You're a siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not!!
He has a date coming over today...
But you only have one a**
Feel better?
Idiots are everywhere
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
True stories.
I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets.
"We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
========================================
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?" Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
========================================
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked
the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
========================================
IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
========================================
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branchbanks that had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the
back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
=======================================
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that
the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount
of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say,
she was very disappointed.
========================================
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a copy machine.
The message "He's lying", was placed in the copier and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Inner Peace
Some article I read said: "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish off all the things you have started". So I looked round the house to see
all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the
house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine,
the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some
Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
......You have no idea how bloody good I feel.
Helping Strangers
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door........
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the
morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring
rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!! ), gets dressed and goes out
into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you
still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
Literal Definitions
Parapet: Supernatural dog or cat.
Paralize: Supernatural fibs.
Parabolas: Supernatural Mexican hunting device that tangles the legs
of the prey.
Parador: Supernatural entrance, e.g., what the Ancient Egyptians had
so that the spirits of their ancestors could visit them. About 80%
Alc/Vol, I think they were.
Paracrine: A paratrooper sobbing because he's landed on his nuts and
messed up his hormoans.
Paradise: Heaven for Craps players.
Paralegals: Supernatural lawyers.
Bloomerangs: Flowers that keep coming back.
Boomerangs: Floating barriers across harbours with bells on them.
Boomeringues: Exploding sweet toppings etc. made of beaten egg
whites and sugar.
Poomerang: Rebounding turd.
Turdy: Demon shit.
More Customer Support Stories
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk...sorry!
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Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates damn it!
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red....
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.
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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
happening...
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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A customer couldn't get on the Internet
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: What anti virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can
you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more
than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle
around it?
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up
with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an assh*le!"
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'assh*le' next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an
assh*le!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'assh*le'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to
see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
assh*le!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I
had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The
idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window
...so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first assh*le, (I
had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW
assh*le too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th
Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in
front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening
after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an
assh*le." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial,
too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assh*les to call. But after
several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to
be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Assh*le #1.
"Hello." "You're an assh*le!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still
there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
black beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, assh*le."
Then I called Assh*le #2. "Hello?" he said
"Hello, assh*le," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I
said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there
to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West
34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assh*les beating the crap out of each other in front
of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
NOW, I feel better!
Anger management at it's very best.
Parking Ticket
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5
MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET. I
WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A
BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET. I CALLED HIM A NAME.
HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN
TIRES. SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME.
HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE
FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET. THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20
MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD
A "HILLARY IN '08" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
BlondeStar
Blonde is in her car and sitting, didnt know what to do, so she
press "OnStar"
Optr: "Hello this is OnStar, may i help you?"
Blonde: "Oh oh oh yes please help me. my keys are outside the car
and i cant get out of the car, help me"
Optr: "Ok, madae, please calm down. do you see a lump on the top of
the door?"
Blonde: "Oh yes yes, i see it"
Optr: "Ok, put your finger on it and pull it"
Blonde: "Oh oh oh ok"
the blonde put her finger on the lock and pull it
Blonde: "I already pull it, what i do next?"
Optr: "Ok madae, you already unlock the door, do you see a shiny
handle on the door"
Blonde: "Oh yes!"
Optr: "Ok madae, put your hand on the handle and pull it, when you
pull it, the door will open"
Blonde: "Oh oh oh, ok"
the blonde put her hand on the handle and pull it to open the door
Blonde: "Oh oh oh you save my life, i thank you"
*Beep, Beep, Beep*
Optr: "Madae, what is that noise"
Blonde: "Oh, i dont know, it just beep when i open the door, the
sound coming from inside the car"
Optr: " Madae, since that sound coming from inside the car and it
beep when you open the door. it sound like the key is in the
ignition"
Blonde: "Oh........."
The Parrot
A guy named Ralph received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was
fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other
word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say
the least, rude.
Ralph tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think
of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Ralph put the parrot in the
freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.
Then, suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
Ralph was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
Ralph's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended
you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once
to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your
forgiveness."
Ralph was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued : "May I ask what the chicken did ?"
Virus Alert
There is a new virus circulating around. It is called "HOMEWORK"
If you receive HOMEWORK from your colleagues, your teacher, or from
anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus
wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come
in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the
nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you
will find that HOMEWORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
If you don't drink, check out the Dairy Queen Hot Fudge Brownie
Supreme! It has pretty much the same effect. Forward this virus
warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you
do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by
this virus and HOMEWORK already controls your life. If this is the
case, go to the nearest bar or Dairy Queen and stay until you make
at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends, but
I am not entirely positive, so I'm headed for the Dairy Queen
anyway...it never hurts to be.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Why Use Sepll cehck?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit
pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand up?
7. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
6. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS...
Police in Oakland, CA spent tow hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
thime IN THE POLICE LINE, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up".
5. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for THREE
HOURS until police showed up and grabbed him.
4. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
3. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "NO!" the man shouted, "This is her husband
2. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America without a weapon. King used his thumb
and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep
his hand IN HIS POCKET.
1. THE GRAND FINALE....
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating were having
a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour
of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking
someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everytihg in perfect working condition. The engine
ran fine, the outdrive went up and down and the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to
check underneath...he came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard. NOW REMEMBER............THIS IS TRUE.......... Under the boat,
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Modern ProverbsA first grade teacher collected well-known
proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a
proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
There Insight May SURPRISE You !!
Better to be safe than.......... Punch A 5th grader.
Strike while the.......... Bug is close.
It's always darkest before.......... Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of.......... Termites.
Don't bite the hand that.......... Looks dirty.
No news is.......... Impossible
A miss is as good as a.......... Mr.
You cant teach a old dog new.......... Math.
If you lie down with dog's you'll.......... Stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.......... Me.
An idle mind is.......... The best way to relax.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......... You
have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.......... Spanked or grounded.
When the blind lead the blind....... Get out of the way.
Customer Support
This has got to be one of the funniest stories I've heard in along
time and, I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is
a true story, from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed,
from a recording, monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause."
The following is an actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).
"Ridge Hall Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappear."
"Hmmm. So what does you screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does you monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know?"
"Well. Then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so"
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer"
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from
the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't "
"No, why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.....a power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"
"Well, yes I keep them in the closet"
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system, and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f*%$*#@ stupid to own a computer"
Washington DC Computers
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP
West Virginia EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of
the STATE of West Virginia.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
the commands. The West Virginia EDITION may be recognized by the
unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, with a background
picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN West Virginia EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... ..stuff ah done did
Also note that the West Virginia EDITION does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to
WINDERS XP:
Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a
copy of the West Virginia EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Discreation in the Doctor's Office
The Doctor's Office
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.
I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy
handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are
you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my private part," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
How to Annoy Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you
want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my car
won't start..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking
about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is
Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: (Wait for a second) With a
real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments
of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is
most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends...would YOU be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get blood out? Can
you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?"
9. Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them
that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete
stranger.
10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they
often can't sell to their fellow employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer,
set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then
hang-up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if
they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them back.
When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME
number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at
home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know
how I feel!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your
leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner
conversation.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if
they could bring you some beer.
16. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak
up... louder...louder...louder...
19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write DOWN
EVERY WORD.
Are You Having a Really Bad Day?
Are you really having a bad day???
The next time you're having a bad day imagine this:
You're a siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not!!
He has a date coming over today...
But you only have one a**
Feel better?
Idiots are everywhere
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
True stories.
I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets.
"We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
========================================
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?" Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
========================================
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked
the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
========================================
IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
========================================
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branchbanks that had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the
back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
=======================================
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that
the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount
of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say,
she was very disappointed.
========================================
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a copy machine.
The message "He's lying", was placed in the copier and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Inner Peace
Some article I read said: "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish off all the things you have started". So I looked round the house to see
all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the
house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine,
the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some
Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
......You have no idea how bloody good I feel.
Helping Strangers
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door........
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the
morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring
rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!! ), gets dressed and goes out
into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you
still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
Literal Definitions
Parapet: Supernatural dog or cat.
Paralize: Supernatural fibs.
Parabolas: Supernatural Mexican hunting device that tangles the legs
of the prey.
Parador: Supernatural entrance, e.g., what the Ancient Egyptians had
so that the spirits of their ancestors could visit them. About 80%
Alc/Vol, I think they were.
Paracrine: A paratrooper sobbing because he's landed on his nuts and
messed up his hormoans.
Paradise: Heaven for Craps players.
Paralegals: Supernatural lawyers.
Bloomerangs: Flowers that keep coming back.
Boomerangs: Floating barriers across harbours with bells on them.
Boomeringues: Exploding sweet toppings etc. made of beaten egg
whites and sugar.
Poomerang: Rebounding turd.
Turdy: Demon shit.
More Customer Support Stories
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk...sorry!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates damn it!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red....
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
happening...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the Internet
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What anti virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can
you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more
than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle
around it?
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up
with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an assh*le!"
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'assh*le' next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an
assh*le!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'assh*le'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to
see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
assh*le!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I
had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The
idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window
...so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first assh*le, (I
had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW
assh*le too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th
Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in
front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening
after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an
assh*le." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial,
too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assh*les to call. But after
several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to
be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Assh*le #1.
"Hello." "You're an assh*le!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still
there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
black beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, assh*le."
Then I called Assh*le #2. "Hello?" he said
"Hello, assh*le," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I
said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there
to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West
34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assh*les beating the crap out of each other in front
of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
NOW, I feel better!
Anger management at it's very best.
Parking Ticket
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5
MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET. I
WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A
BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET. I CALLED HIM A NAME.
HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN
TIRES. SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME.
HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE
FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET. THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20
MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD
A "HILLARY IN '08" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
BlondeStar
Blonde is in her car and sitting, didnt know what to do, so she
press "OnStar"
Optr: "Hello this is OnStar, may i help you?"
Blonde: "Oh oh oh yes please help me. my keys are outside the car
and i cant get out of the car, help me"
Optr: "Ok, madae, please calm down. do you see a lump on the top of
the door?"
Blonde: "Oh yes yes, i see it"
Optr: "Ok, put your finger on it and pull it"
Blonde: "Oh oh oh ok"
the blonde put her finger on the lock and pull it
Blonde: "I already pull it, what i do next?"
Optr: "Ok madae, you already unlock the door, do you see a shiny
handle on the door"
Blonde: "Oh yes!"
Optr: "Ok madae, put your hand on the handle and pull it, when you
pull it, the door will open"
Blonde: "Oh oh oh, ok"
the blonde put her hand on the handle and pull it to open the door
Blonde: "Oh oh oh you save my life, i thank you"
*Beep, Beep, Beep*
Optr: "Madae, what is that noise"
Blonde: "Oh, i dont know, it just beep when i open the door, the
sound coming from inside the car"
Optr: " Madae, since that sound coming from inside the car and it
beep when you open the door. it sound like the key is in the
ignition"
Blonde: "Oh........."
The Parrot
A guy named Ralph received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was
fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other
word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say
the least, rude.
Ralph tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think
of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Ralph put the parrot in the
freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.
Then, suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
Ralph was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
Ralph's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended
you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once
to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your
forgiveness."
Ralph was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued : "May I ask what the chicken did ?"
Virus Alert
There is a new virus circulating around. It is called "HOMEWORK"
If you receive HOMEWORK from your colleagues, your teacher, or from
anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus
wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come
in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the
nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you
will find that HOMEWORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
If you don't drink, check out the Dairy Queen Hot Fudge Brownie
Supreme! It has pretty much the same effect. Forward this virus
warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you
do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by
this virus and HOMEWORK already controls your life. If this is the
case, go to the nearest bar or Dairy Queen and stay until you make
at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends, but
I am not entirely positive, so I'm headed for the Dairy Queen
anyway...it never hurts to be.