Advantages Of Being A Woman: Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
NY Times Ad: Ad seen in the New York Times...
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.
Men Are Like
..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.
..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.
..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
..Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.
..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
The Perfect Story
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
* A Male's Response *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Presents for the Wife
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Male translations
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
"I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
"Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
"What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Compare The Genders
NICKNAMES
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Comparing Men to Dogs
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
20 truths about men
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
Men are always wrong
1. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
2. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
3. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
4. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
5. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
6. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
7. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
8. If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.
9. If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.
10. If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.
11. If you cry ... you're a wimp.
12. If you don't ... you're insensitive.
13. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
14. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.
15. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
16. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.
17. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
18. If you don't ... you're gay.
19. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
20. If you don't ... you're unromantic.
21. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
22. If you don't ... you're a slob.
23. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
24. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
25. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
26. If you don't ... you're not ambitious.
27. If she has a headache ... she's tired.
28. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
29. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
30. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Famous Quotes
"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone."
- Lenny Bruce
"I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine."
- Mel Gibson
Female Comebacks
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Female Laws To Live By
1. The female always make the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
8. The female may change her mind at any time.
9. The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
12. The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The female is ready when she is ready.
15. The male must be ready at all times.
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
Not So Dumb
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.
The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men
Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Real Men..really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.
Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.
Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Real Men..balance their checkbooks.
Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.
Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.
Real Men..start their own businesses.
Most Men..quit their jobs.
Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men..bring their own beer.
He Said She Said
He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said..You wear briefs, don't you
He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.
He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.
He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.
He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Mr Right Application
Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply..
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
________
Female Stages Of Life
AGE DRINK
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man
HOUSE PET
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66
IDEAL DATE
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast
Be Politically Correct With Women
1. She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
2. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
3. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
4. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
5. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
6. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
7. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
8. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
9. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
10. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
11. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
12. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
13. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
14. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
15. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
16. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
17. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
18. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
19. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
20. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
Be Politically Correct With Men
1. He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
5. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
7. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
11. He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
12. He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
13. He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
14. He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
15. He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
16. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
Bra Shopping
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Answers To Everything
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
What men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
The Perfect Day
The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
Ugly Boy
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
First Time Nude
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman...
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
From: Diesel Sweeties Web Comic
Girl A: Boys are weird.
Girl B: If agreeing with you equaled "X", I'd say X^10.
Girl B: Earth would be such a better place if we wiped out all the men.
Girl A: At least there'd be a golden age of ladies before mankind died out.
Girl B: Why would humanity have to die out?
Girl B: We'd just replace boys with femal ejaculation.
Girl A: I'm not sure that's the same thing.
Girl B: No kidding. It's better.
KISSING THE MODEL
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt
for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette,
took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she
said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
K.e.v.i.n. M.i.t.t.m.a.n put these together and posted
So You Think You Had A Bad Day?
Just in case you think you've had a bad day, consider how is could
have been much, much worse ....
CURL UP AND DIE
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
LADY GOLFER
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
NUTS ABOUT YOU
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
NA-NA NA-NA NA-NAH!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
SURPRISE!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the
stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
PRICELESS
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Adam and Eve
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
PASSWORD REJECTED
I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10
years ago. I was working in a wall street investment
bank when someone from the information technology
group came by our office asking us to enter our
passwords in the new software system. My colleague
Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the
password "Penis". We all fell on the floor with
laugher when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
A chainletter awhile back on myspace
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, dad - she's pregnant and Barbara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone
and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we need. In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for aids so that Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry, dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John
P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Billy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in my desk center drawer.
I love you!
PS: Call when it's safe for me to come home
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ...
Some things you just can't explain."
Annoying Toilet Habits
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Ahhhh! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
City Of LA High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:________________ Gang:________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he
missed 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 11 times at
each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can
he attend before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball
to Jackson for $220 and 2 grams to Billy for $85
per gram. What is the street value of the balance
of the coke if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $63
per trick, how many tricks will each girl have to
turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack
habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroine to make
20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he
need?
5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy,
and $100 for a 4X4. How many Chevys will he have to
steal to make $600?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got
$10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is
spending $1,000 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison, and how many years
will he get for killing the bitch that spent his
money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and
the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters
can Rodney spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 4 girls in his gang. There are 27
girls in the gang. What percentage of the gang has
Hector knocked up?
Men Bashing Jokes
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish." These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter." The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter." The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and
he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is
a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...
of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...
AND a brain?"
A Quotation from an pack of Ansell condoms:
Directions for use,
Step 12:
Don't return used condoms to the distributer through the mail.
Top 100 Chat Up Lines
1. As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!
2. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
3. Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.
4. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
5. Do you have any Irish in you? (if no…) Would you like some? (if yes…) Want some more?
6. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
7. Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
8. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow-job? [No!] Do you want to do lunch?
9. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
10. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
11. I'm a frog but if u kiss me I'll turn into a prince
12. Excuse me, I am about to go home to masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
13. Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
14. For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
15. Gee, for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
16. Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" She says no. Then wink.
17. Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
18. Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.
19. Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, lets talk"
20. Nice dress, it'd look good on my bedroom floor
21. Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "Cause they're mine sweetheart."
22. I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.
23. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
24. I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!
25. If a women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You should answer: "Yeah! Do you have the energy?"
26. The only thing that matters is that we're together.
27. I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.
28. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
29. Is you father a lumberjack [No, why?] Because when ever I look at you, I get wood in my pants.
30. I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.
31. Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
32. Say, did we go to different schools together?
33. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
34. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
35. Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, "Come on, we're leaving." (The key is to act like you know them.)
36. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
37. You know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection.
38. Want to come into the garden see my big juicy tomatoes? (female version)
or
Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers? (male version)
39. You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through broken glass just to jerk off in your shadow.
40. Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
41. I'm an organ donor, and I have an organ you might need
42. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
43. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
44. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
45. Say, did we go to different schools together?
46. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
47. Wow! Are those real?
48. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
49. You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon
50. I'll bet you £50 I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds.
51. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
52. "I'm on fire, can I run through your sprinkler?"
53. Your Daddy must be a farmer because you grew some nice melons?
54. That dress looks real becoming on you. Of course if I was that dress I'd be coming too.
55. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
56. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
57. There are 206 bones in the human body, want one more?
58. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
59. (Lick finger than touch girl's clothing) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
60. Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
61. Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
62. Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
63. If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays
64. (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
65. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
66. I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
67. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
68. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
69. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
70. You know what would look good on you? Me
71. So do ya wanna see something really swell?
72. I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
73. I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
74. Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
75. I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
76. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist
77. Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
78. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?
79. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears?(Pull your pockets inside out....) Would u like to?
80. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
81. Are you as good as your mother?
82. Would you like to see my circumcision scar?
83. I have a two minute recovery time.
84. Didn't I do your sister?
85. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see my-self in your pants.
86. F**k me if I am wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
87. Yo. You'll do.
88. Do you have a boyfriend? Well when you want a MAN-friend, come and talk to me!
89. Is there a Rainbow, because you're the treasure I've been searching for.
90. What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
91. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand
92. Why don't we go back to my place and do the things I'm going to tell people we did anyway?
93. [Look at her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
94. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
95. Do you want to see something swell?
96. If I followed you home, would you keep me?
97. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
98. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
99. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together
100. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply
Q's & A's
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What is pink and moist and split in the middle?
A: A grapefruit! (no, not the dirty thing you were thinking :-P)
Better relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Dating hints for men
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Stupid people: Answering machine messages
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
Kinky vs. Perverted: The eternal question
Whats the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
Even more famous quotes:
Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams
Confucious say...
...woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
...man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
...man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.
...boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
...man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.
...he who smoke pot, choke on handle.
...woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
...he who stand on toilet, high on pot!
...boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!
...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
...he who masturbate, screw only himself!
...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
Top 10 Valentine Card Rejects:
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Funeral expenses
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
Discount
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
©Kevin Mittman 2005 Note: I did not write these jokes, I simply compiled them from the jokes I've been sending to my ex gf (and some she has sent me). Also read over "Rated M Jokes". As the original poster I ask that this remain somewhere in the text. I encourage you to pick your favorite jokes and send them to your friends. BTW there are 88 joke sets in case you were wondering :-P Also I am aware that a lot of these are "men bashing" jokes, and yeah I am a guy, so I know what you are thinking "what gives?" well Becki likes these jokes, so yeah, and I thought I'd share them here too, so chill :-P