In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system...
Simple Duties
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings.......+5
But return with beer...............................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night...........................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
It's her father...................................................-10
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...........-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..........-5
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical............-5
Something she can't use...................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane..............-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.............-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip..............-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost..............-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25
You know them.........-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?".................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............-10
You reply, "Where?"...........-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV........+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.............-20
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party..........0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........-2
Named Tiffany....................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...................-6
Tiffany has implants...................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly...........+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"......-6
That woman is her sister....................-90
You have one drink, and that's it................0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle.........-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....-18
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together.....................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car....................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar...................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk .............+3
Most of it chips and beer ..............-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den............+15
Or refinishing the floors......................+16
Or rewiring the basement....................+17
Or adding a second floor................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.......-6
And you're tickled pink about it.....................-15
You visit her parents.....................0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ..............+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ........-3
And the television is off........................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear...........-6
And you didn't even go to college..............-10
And it's not your underwear....................-15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner....................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...............+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.........................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player.........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing.............................+4
If you stink.............................+2
If you're not half bad........................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...........-2
You give her a gift........................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance.............-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ...........+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........-10
With her credit card...............-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big..........-40
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely.......................-20
You forget your anniversary.....................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.............-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ...........................-5
And the pal is happily married ...................-4
Or frighteningly single ....................-7
And he drives a Mustang....................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...............-15
You have a few beers.................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call....................-20
You get home at 3 am....................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...........-40
And not wearing any pants......................-50
Is that a tattoo??.................-200
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.................+10
You wait up.......................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..........+20
A Night At Home
You watch TV together.................0
You rent a movie...............+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout.............+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.......................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.............-2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie........................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...................+6
You take her to a movie you like.................-2
It's called DeathCop 3.......................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........+30
And she contracts Lyme disease....................................-25
Women Bashing: Women Timeline
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Why bicycles are better than Women...
Bicycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
Bicycles don't have parents.
Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
Bicycles don't get headaches.
Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.
Why Men Don't Shop
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery
store, I noticed
a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he
checked something off
his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to
the child, "You
know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to
do it again."
The Old Lady
Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to
the court for the record."
Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words,
what happened to you on the night in question."
Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch
swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes walking
up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat
down beside you?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."
Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that
since my Homer passed away 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No"
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "Well your honor, his rubbing made me
feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in
years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy
that I said to him, 'Take me young man.'"
Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"
Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April
Fool!.. and THAT'S WHEN I SHOT HIM."
Jokes to Offend Just About Everyone
Something to Offend Just about Everybody:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a
room together? 100 people who don't do dick.
How did the tugboat get AIDS? It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just
sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a
sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW or Corvette? A
porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
(this also goes for differance between a fairy tale and a trucker
story)
My, my, how times have changed. Years ago... When 100 white men
chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call
it the PGA TOUR.
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on
the good rides.
Husband and Wife golfing
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this",
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while rooting
around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear
end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of
the cow's butt.
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'
I don't remember much after that."
Computers: Male or Female?
Is your computer male or female?
A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what
gender computers should be addressed.
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group
was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in
the Feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to
give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Girls love this one
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class
section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite
violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man
was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed
when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose,
then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never
heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."
Other meanings of P.M.S.
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid- Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Spagetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she
told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he
gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have
the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the
back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the
nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in
the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it
to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell
to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the
hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the
wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Five Tips For A Woman
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Bang Bang
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've
never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride Who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an Avid trophy hunter
and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting,
he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting
beside the stream of water. He raised his Cane and Went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of
rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system...
Simple Duties
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings.......+5
But return with beer...............................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night...........................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
It's her father...................................................-10
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...........-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..........-5
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical............-5
Something she can't use...................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane..............-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.............-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip..............-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost..............-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25
You know them.........-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?".................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............-10
You reply, "Where?"...........-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV........+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.............-20
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party..........0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........-2
Named Tiffany....................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...................-6
Tiffany has implants...................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly...........+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"......-6
That woman is her sister....................-90
You have one drink, and that's it................0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle.........-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....-18
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together.....................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car....................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar...................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk .............+3
Most of it chips and beer ..............-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den............+15
Or refinishing the floors......................+16
Or rewiring the basement....................+17
Or adding a second floor................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.......-6
And you're tickled pink about it.....................-15
You visit her parents.....................0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ..............+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ........-3
And the television is off........................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear...........-6
And you didn't even go to college..............-10
And it's not your underwear....................-15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner....................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...............+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.........................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player.........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing.............................+4
If you stink.............................+2
If you're not half bad........................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...........-2
You give her a gift........................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance.............-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ...........+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........-10
With her credit card...............-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big..........-40
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely.......................-20
You forget your anniversary.....................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.............-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ...........................-5
And the pal is happily married ...................-4
Or frighteningly single ....................-7
And he drives a Mustang....................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...............-15
You have a few beers.................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call....................-20
You get home at 3 am....................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...........-40
And not wearing any pants......................-50
Is that a tattoo??.................-200
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.................+10
You wait up.......................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..........+20
A Night At Home
You watch TV together.................0
You rent a movie...............+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout.............+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.......................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.............-2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie........................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...................+6
You take her to a movie you like.................-2
It's called DeathCop 3.......................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........+30
And she contracts Lyme disease....................................-25
Women Bashing: Women Timeline
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Why bicycles are better than Women...
Bicycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
Bicycles don't have parents.
Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
Bicycles don't get headaches.
Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.
Why Men Don't Shop
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery
store, I noticed
a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he
checked something off
his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to
the child, "You
know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to
do it again."
The Old Lady
Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to
the court for the record."
Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words,
what happened to you on the night in question."
Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch
swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes walking
up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat
down beside you?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."
Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that
since my Homer passed away 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"
Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No"
Defense Attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Lady: "Well your honor, his rubbing made me
feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in
years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy
that I said to him, 'Take me young man.'"
Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"
Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April
Fool!.. and THAT'S WHEN I SHOT HIM."
Jokes to Offend Just About Everyone
Something to Offend Just about Everybody:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a
room together? 100 people who don't do dick.
How did the tugboat get AIDS? It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just
sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a
sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW or Corvette? A
porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
(this also goes for differance between a fairy tale and a trucker
story)
My, my, how times have changed. Years ago... When 100 white men
chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call
it the PGA TOUR.
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on
the good rides.
Husband and Wife golfing
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this",
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while rooting
around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear
end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of
the cow's butt.
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'
I don't remember much after that."
Computers: Male or Female?
Is your computer male or female?
A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what
gender computers should be addressed.
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group
was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in
the Feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to
give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Girls love this one
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class
section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite
violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man
was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed
when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose,
then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never
heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."
Other meanings of P.M.S.
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid- Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Spagetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she
told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he
gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have
the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the
back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the
nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in
the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it
to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell
to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the
hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the
wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Five Tips For A Woman
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Bang Bang
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've
never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride Who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an Avid trophy hunter
and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting,
he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting
beside the stream of water. He raised his Cane and Went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of
rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."